OK, granted; this is a fairly far-out scenario for patients of this college basketball-crazed state to be entertaining. But for no other reason than to take a joyride on the Good Ship Fantasy, let's run with it.

Now, figuring March Madness is built around 64 games, and each game averages about two hours, that would mandate a commitment of roughly 130 hours. Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

For one thing, you can't watch all 65 games because many are on simultaneously. So what you have to compute is your actual TV viewing time. For the average die-hard, this totals 60 hours or so.

Next, you need to add time spent watching pregame shows and postgame highlights, time spent reading about the games, time spent talking about the games, time spent filling out your bracket sheets and time spent rummaging in the refrigerator, hoping one more beer will miraculously be discovered.

Taking all these variables into consideration, multiplying them by pi minus the product of mc² and deducting the time it takes to melt cheese on a dish of Doritos, you're talking about suddenly having at least two weeks' worth of time on your hands.

The new forms are simpler, and the directions are clear as grain alcohol. Adding Line A to Line B and subtracting the lesser of the two numbers from Line E shouldn't take any more than a week and a half.

Rrrrring. "Thank you for calling FEMA. All our operators are currently helping other people suffering from March Madless. The current waiting time is two weeks."

With a two-week window, you can make several of those "we will be there between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. appointments" and not wait around for any of them.

Let's be honest, you have a houseful of gadgets and appliances that you don't know how to work. Catch up; you'll be amazed what some of these gizmos can do.

Somewhere within the Apple organization there is a human being who speaks with customers. If you find him, be sure to get his/her direct number.

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